Here is an interesting article by Eric V. Coupage in The New York Times about questions you should ask your partner before you marry. I'll admit, although entirely unromantic to discuss, my Husband and I have an exit strategy. We have talked about what we absolutely will not tolerate in our marriage and what would make us call it quits. It doesn't make me feel like we're headed for disaster when we talk about it, rather it makes me feel more secure. It's not things like "if you don't do this I'm gone" but discussing expectations and boundaries that often go unspoken. Basically...we're just communicating.
We didn't do premarital counseling or an engagement encounter, but sometimes I wish we had. For the moment we are very much on the same page, but things have changed so much since we met...since we married, that I can see why bringing these things up can be helpful. Although when I read them out loud, like the "mission statement" they sound super cheesy. The comments are worth a read too - read the full article here.
Here are questions that should be asked before your wedding day...according to this article:
What is our “mission statement” as a couple?
To what extent are you willing to go to have a family, medically?
What will we do if we find out our child has severe disabilities?
Who should I have on speed dial for the days when I just can’t figure you out?
Can you name two couples that you admire and would hope to emulate?
How do we stay sexually engaged with each other?
Will we share our credit reports with each other?
Should we have an exit strategy for the marriage, and if so, what would it be?
If married previously, why did it end and what did you learn from that relationship?
What are our conflict management styles, and are they compatible?
What do you think? Do you think questions like these are love suckers, or do you think they are valid conversation points for those headed to the altar?
16 comments:
Hey, it definitely doesn't hurt to be honest and upfront. Hopefully in a marriage, that is the one person you are able to do that with.
***Argh! The elusive double comment! Sorry!
Oh, I don't know! Approaching love like a business?
I would love to print these out and present them to a boyfriend though as a joke... just to see the reaction!
In my opinion, there is no such thing as too much communication in a marriage. Being able to discuss everything openly with your mate while being honest is key to any successful (long term) relationship.
Totally valid questions. If some these things sprang up in a marriage, and you don't agree somewhat, that could easily end the marriage.
We had to do premarital counseling to get married in our church & although I dreaded it, it turned out to be very helpful for our relationship & our future. We're in this for the long haul & anything & everything helps!
This is great - and if you feel like maybe you can't discuss these with your partner, you'd have to wonder why and if you should be getting married at all
I think these are great questions, especially if you haven't already addressed these things in your relationship. I learned that I can call John's parents when I'm struggling with him or his behavior, for example, but it took us 4 years to get there! Here's to being open and honest with your partner–and avoiding surprises along the way!
I like the idea though the image of having a list of questions, without multiple choice to choose, can sound unromantic.
But I would like to think that couples heading for Happy Ever After have been through most of them; if not with a list in hand in mind but being aware they're in the same page and reading the same book ;).
Like you say life changes after the I do and adjustements can be made - are going to be made - but the majority and the most important for each of them should be dealt with in advance.
Very intriguing, I would never have thought to ask these, or discuss these, but we have a decently open communication and I'd like to keep it that way. Some times somewhat obvious expectations to you may not be the same for your partner. Thanks for sharing!
how interesting... i guess very few people do this and that's why they are so disappointed as they go
Talk about it all! Marriage is not a fairy tale! Its a partnership, you are a team. I think these questions and more are great.
This is seriously such a great idea. Love the speed dial one. Ha.
this is brilliant. thank you for sharing. i LOVE this post and these questions. they are so important and i think so many less marriages would fail if this information was more widely discussed/distributed.
i think these are all valid conversation points because it's always better to enter a marriage with all cards on the table than to be surprised later on, right? :)
<3, Mimi
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